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no list list year
or at least no list right now.
I feel like everything and nothing has changed from last year. Usually I'll have some epiphany and realize how I can try to make my life more satisfying/fulfilling/better. This year I have nothing.
Or rather, I have everything. I'm back in school (no matter how I do this semester) I have great friends dispersed across the country (I love you all - everyone of you, even more so if you are actually reading this).

Yes, romantically I'm as fucked up as ever - but fuck it, I'm having fun. And the more I think about it, the less I want to worry about it. No matter what I'll survive.

Sometimes i type just because i like the sound the keys of the laptop make. Its sort of parallel to people to talk because they like the sound of their own voice.

I can never seem to live by my convictions.
If the desire is strong enough, I will always sway. And I don't think that it takes very much to compromise my ideals.
Most days I feel like a cheap hypocrite. Trying to portray one way of life when I really live a completely different way.

The thing is, that I don't think very much of myself. I've just never been sure what all of the fuss was about.

I've been really bipolar the last few days...and its no where near my period. Just crazy mood swings, going from laughter to tears. I think the stress from school is getting to me, I'm constantly nauseous and just want to sleep all day everyday. My joints ache from laying in bed so much.

I know happiness is a choice, we all choose to see things in a positive or negative light. But why does it have to be so hard? I know i should put a smile on my face, find something to say that doesn't involve a complaint, look on the bright side of life...but the first thing that inevitably comes to mind is gloom.

And I wish that I had just one kindered spirit here. But I always wear them out, because I'm too lazy to branch out and make new friends. People try to drag me out all the time and i resist. I say no. And then I complain of loneliness. At least now I have the excuse of school - I can't go out because of school. I can't afford to go out because I'm broke because I can't work because I'm in school. I'm in a bad mood because of school.

I'm coccooning it up in my room. I was being overly dramatic before, I do have at least one good friend here, who I would dearly miss. But breaking up is hard to do and I've overstayed my welcome here. I'm becoming restless and I want to do what I so often do, close a door and burn a bridge. I'm itching to do it - its so long overdue. Its been nearly a whole year since my last good falling out, and there is a certain thrill in being evil jessica that really can't be matched by anything else.
That sounded horrible. It felt horrible just to think, even worse to commit to writing. Its those black clouds that I want to get rid of...

I hate regret. Looking back and thinking of all the wrong decisions you've made, long after its too late. I need to not be afraid to follow my heart. And be more committed to my rejections - whichever path I choose I need to learn to choose.

5:20 and its dark outside...its going to be a long winter.
I hope this gets better, it normally goes as quickly as it comes...but with gloomy november ahead of me, who knows when that will be.

Sometimes the only thing you can do is wait... 

take a deep breath
and remember that on a long enough timeline everything goes back to zero.

 if someone could tell me what compels a person to be simply mean spirited....i would really appreciate that.
My heart just can't take it anymore



happy fucking birthday.

Last weekend Rutgers beat Maryland, the Giants shut out the Buccaneers, and the Skins lost to the Lions - all awesome, fun things to watch. 

This weekend was just a blast - HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my sister, who turned 19 yesterday, had a night of tequila and fun friday night, yesterday I got to chill/blaze/watch chick flicks on an awesome HDTV - I don't care how lame he is, Patrick Dempsy is still pretty. And more drinking and rabblerousing before I passed out, clothes on (but in bed) at a shameful 1:00


School.....could be going alot better. But I'm fully aware that its my lack of effort that is making my academic life so difficult. As is, I could coast through with a couple of C's and B's - but I would like to do better then that. And when i say 'lack of effort' it certainly doesn't mean that I'm not trying, I'm putting more time and energy into school then I ever have before...but more is needed. Maybe an extra 2 hours a day on campus would do it, which is very do-able, just a disconcerting thought that what is my best to-date, still isn't quite enough.

My love life, this week, is going wonderfully. A rather serious conversation turned out to be unnecessary, since a few casual conversations answered all of my questions. After this past week I've realized that my time and energy really does need to be dedicated to school - and there is no use wasting a good worry on a boy whose much more stable then I give him credit for.
Hopefully my contentment won't jinx everything

Oh! and I'm not pregnant! Though not a serious concern, its always nice to have that confirmation.

So long 5769 - you were truly a year filled with surprises, experiences, failures and triumphs. I think that I can say that you were my most interesting year yet, and so far the only year of my mature (by which i mean teenage/adult) life that I would live over again if I was given the opportunity.

The funny thing is that this time last year - on Kol Nidrei I was also crying myself to sleep, and for extremely similar reasons, and yet everything is is completely different. I'm not crying because some asshole 19 year-old boy blew me off and started dating one of our co-workers (because she put out? because there is something about me that turns guys off after I make-out with them? Dunno).
Now I'm crying because I have an amazing 22 year old man who I won't let in...I keep at arms length because I can't stand the thought of actually communicating with someone I care about. I cry because I can be the most interesting, coolest girl in the world right up until I'm around someone I'd turly like to impress.

But I think that is a great years progress.
The more I try to rationalize why I shouldn't be with Nick, the more I realize that there is no rationalization that I can make by myself. I need to talk to him, I need to let him know where I am and how I feel and why it is the silliest idea in the world for me to stay involved with him when we are living together with 3 other people. Tell him how I'd love to be able to seperate feelings from sex....with anyone other than him. I'd rather lose the feelings and the sex then demote what we had to nothing but lust.

I'm back in school!!! If you had told me this time last year that I'd be back in Rutgers, I would have told you that you were delusional.

I always say that life goes in the most ridiculous of directions - I haven't been disappointed. I suspect my life will be evening out now, being back in school will give me some permanence in NJ, though I doubt very much I will be living in Keyport for too much longer. With school going to well and good friends, I'd say my living situation is pretty much the one thing I'd like to change. I don't think I'd be losing too too much if I cut that block of crazy out of my life for the time being.

 Today I had my first riding lesson, met some of the girls. 
One girl I met (who assured anyone she could that she was infact a novice, not a beginner like the rest of us) told me that I would be just fine in walk/trot/canter, should i decide to show. She didn't seem the type to be easily impressed, but she did seem the type to hand out excessive compliments - if that makes sense.
Life progresses....I never know what I should do - as with all other times I'm sure I'll find someway to screw something up and create a crisis for myself - I'm never satisfied when I'm satisfied lol.

I need to take school much more seriously. This is going to take some effort.

 Say person A and person B are involved. romantically.
Say a friend of person A (person C) knows this. Promoted this.
Person C is also informed when A and B end. romantically.
Person A is away.
Persons B and C kiss.
Person A is quickly informed. By person C.

How much was person A's confidence betrayed when the kiss happened?

Person C now believes that they are the interest of person B
Person A knows this is not true. And says nothing.

How much is person C's confidence betrayed by the unimparted knowledge?


I understand the depth of the hypothetical, clearly this is a real situation. I'm not even really asking for any answers, I'm just desperately searching for some clarity in the situation...I suppose I thought that i would find it if I somehow transcribed it. I guess there isn't really any clarity to be had, its all there on the page - and things will just have to work out on their own. If it makes anything any better, person B eventually told person A about the whole thing. Which is comforting to person A.


BUT - school is going very well. YAY.

 Basically....3 people have even the opportunity to read this journal.
I love that about livejournal.
This, and all other entries, are dedicated to you.

I really need my own personal space, but there is simply none to be had. I yern for the days of my apartment...gone now...when I could shut myself in my room and smoke my joint in private. Or pack the bong in the living room and be social, it was my choice to make. Now, for better or worse, i am constantly surrounded by friends, crashing on couches, sharing beds. I put up with this because there is no alternative....no viable alternative. I could live at home...but that would be an equally disagreeable situation.
And i have good friends, true friends, who appreciate my company and care about my well being. Their friendship very nearly eclipses my own self loathing...a feeling that i'm not entirely comfortable with. And with every passing day I realize more and more how lucky I am to have such good people looking out for me - from Florida up to New Jersey. Its a great feeling.

But I can't help but feel oppressed by the constant presence of people. These last 6 weeks have been FANTASTIC, i've had such a great time, and i'm impressed that i never once felt burdened with peoples company. But my patience is wearing thin, and my introverted tendencies are beginning to rear their ugly heads once again. It is sometimes so exhausting being with people, having to hold on to the persona they expect from you - be the person they seem to excited to spend time with. It gets to a point where anything less than 4 people and i become....what people perceive to be melancholy but in reality is simply...an undefinable weariness.
I'm tired of caring about other peoples days, tired of other people caring about my day. I need to reboot, a room that i can shut myself in a read xkcd comics and watch reruns of 30 rock all day intermittently with playing the sims and listening to 90's alternative. Just for a week.
But we can never get what we want.

Saw inglorious bastards again.
love that movie - i get a satisfaction from it that is impossible to get from any other WWII movie.

umm...it just so happens that my dream college also offers my dream major....

fuck.

i've put myself in a very uncomfortable situation.

 It just goes to show you that we're all freaks. 

There are those people out there that would want you to be ashamed of your more primal natures, but ultimately we're (nearly) all guilty of the same desires. These men advocate a sinless life, a life void of desire, temptation or vice; they are the poster boys for the missionary position.
Which would be fine, if i thought that it was possible. But these leaders inevitably fail to practice what they preach. All they succeed in doing is shaming themselves, their families, and convincing a generation that sex is something to be ashamed of.

This is not to say that I advocate permiscuous sex, or the amount or quality of the sex shown on TV...I just think that we should all be free to wave our freak flags without being ashamed of ourselves. We all have our quirks, its what makes us so darn lovable! Sex doesn't have to be obscene, its a natural, normal part of life. When we try to repress our sexual instincts - rather than admit to them, is when we find ourselves doing things like....sleeping with your 22 year-old assistant, which are simply not kosher. 

my two cents.

This time last year I was on a tequila buzz with a new belly button peircing on my way to ray st to guzzle down some beers and entertain some boys.
This year? I spent the day at a riding barn, came 'home' and made enchiladas for my grandmother (with a delicious side of mexican rice)

No judgement, no disappointment, no regret - just fact.

Note: I'm drinking Killians Irish Red, couldn't be less appropriate. :-)

Without trying to, I seem to have cleaned up my life a bit.
And come to a couple comforting realizations:

1) I can indeed go an extended period of time without smoking the ganja (without realizing, or missing it)
2) I'm the same person, so I need not fear that the weed defines who I am, even when I do smoke on a regular basis.

I wish I was more open, didn't act so apathetic.

Because I'm not. 

And everytime I come close to changing, I decide that its less hassle to just keep my mouth shut. But no one ever got anywhere by keeping quiet. I'll just have to teach myself that sometimes its worth the one awkward moment to set up the countless moments that are truly worth relishing.

Nothing worth doing is easy.

So its very nearly official, no more Jersey for Jessica.

If I'm lucky, I'll get to go live in Florida with my best friend in the world.
If I'm a little luckier, I'll get to start all over in San Diego - and maybe convince my best friend to come with me (haven't broached the subject yet, maybe this is the forum to do so??? please come??)

Been cutting back on most vices. Trying not to be so much of a bitch, I realize that I'm not shit - I'm not as adored as I'd like to be, but I seem to get by, and I seem to be loved in the places I'd suspect it least....which is strange, disconcerting and comforting all at the same time.

I guess nothing every goes as we plan, and thats all a part of the adventure of life. And I plan on living this adventure to its fullest.

After shouting obscenities at my futon, breaking my desk in half and gorilla gluing it back together, and putting together my new bookcase...I have officially remodeled my room.

I liked it better before lol

To those who know exactly what this is about, I'm sorry - but it was a random thought:

If you are announcing your engagement via your facebook status, chances are you're not ready to get married.


On a different note: Valentines Day was not bad.

Its been 50 years since the music died....

As posted earlier, my musical tastes are changing, and I seem to be replacing my old stand-by's (SR-71, Barenaked Ladies, Garbage) with a different repertoire (Dispatch, The New Pornographers, The Wallflowers). But I'll always have a place in my heart for those good old songs that defined an age, One Week - BNL, Jumper - 3rd Eye Blind, and of course, American Pie - Don McLean.
CTY was amongst the best times of my life, the first time I realized that people could appreciate and like me for simply being who I was. The first time being smart was cool and learning really was fun. The first time I was with someone, really with them, my first kiss, my first love letter, the first song ever written for me.

Somewhere I threw out everything that made me worthy of that place. I came to college and peer pressue completely consumed me for the first two and a half years, and I'm just now getting myself back...disfigured and broken. I traveled down the world of drugs, alcohol and sex - thinking that hiding my intelligence and my passions would help me become accepted in this strange world called New Jersey.
I was wrong, and I'm learning now just how far from myself I strayed.
I tell myself that I simply love being high - and I do. Its not an escape, its a vacation from my life. But if I'm truthful with myself, I realize that I am no longer sure who I am without the weed, and that scares me. If I don't have a blunt rolled, what am I going to be doing with my night? I always seem to have money for a gram, but never enough to actually do something with someone, which is upsetting.


I miss the music,
live, live, live, live, die, die, die, die, sex, sex, sex, sex, more, more, more, more!

Living with someone i work with - just seems like a bad idea to me.
But maybe this will be good for me, hanging around with a girl for a change. I'll learn the feminine ways, that always seem to have alluded me.

So far I seem to be keeping up with every new years resolution - making this a year of firsts, and making some new girlfriends. And maybe living with someone NOT from NJ/Rutgers will be good for me, a brand new perspective on the world.
She is a darling, and needs the room more then I need my secrets.

Got to meet OE while my sister was in town - pretty awesome, even though I missed their comedy bit. Hopefully I'll catch them in March.

Life, in general, is a blast. I realize that I should be productive - especially in these times of economic need, but I am just having too much fun. I guess I can't make myself be ready for the real world, so in the meantime I'll just imerse myself in New Brunswick culture, and take as much out of these experiences as possible. I'm enjoying being loved.

I need to get my attitude under control.
I suppose it comes from being stressed out over a shitty job that I refuse to abandon, and hanging out with the guys - which always seems to strengthen my personality (a positive attribute for my social life, arguably, but tends to have a negative effect on my work).

Part of me wishes I could go back to school, and maybe that would curb my narcissistic tendencies. But I know, deep down, that I just can't handle that right now. The first month will go great, I'll spend the second month making excuses for myself, and the third feeling sorry for myself and the fact that I've let yet another semester amount to nothing. Its a horrible horrible pattern that I just can't seem to break - and I need to spend some time thinking about how to get over it (or, more specifically, myself).
I wish, whole heartedly, that I could bring myself to care about someone other then myself. Unfortunately, anyone that truely interests me, or inspires me, is too far away to be an integral part of my life. Or perhaps that is just an excuse, the truth is that I just don't like anyone in this state enough to try to be a real part of their life. In their own special way, they all leave a distaste in my mouth - even my 'best friends'. The one girl I'd genuienly like to stay in touch with isn't even in Jersey anymore, so I find myself wondering: whats the point?

I've been playing around with the idea of moving somewhere new - on a lark. Where I'm not sure - but there is nothing I'm doing here can't can't be done just about anywhere else. Perhaps florida, and I can be surrounded by beautiful boys and my best friend in the world. Maybe move west - though which city would be interesting enough to move to, I haven't a clue. Theoretically, I could move to whatever city has a Rainforest Cafe, and I can stay employeed. I don't hate that place nearly as much as I let on - only theits social dynamic. I've heard that other locations don't have any of the same drama.

I've spent all day on my couch, listening to music (new favorite album: Bang Bang, too bad I didn't learn to love Dispatch while they were together) and illegally downloading soundtracks. It was a great day.